OC Lawyer / A Criminal Waste Of Space

May 2024 A Criminal Waste of Space - Bon Appetit, Monsiuer Raccoon

Policy reasons to consider before legalizing roadkill.

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April 2024 A Criminal Waste of Space - Trials and Tribulations

Beds reflects on some valuable lessons from his days as a DA.

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March 2024 A Criminal Waste of Space - Déjà vu, ja vu, ja vu

If you see a dog in Laguna with a full set of false eyelashes, you will know what Beds chose to do next.

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February 2024 A Criminal Waste of Space - Mr. Tommie and the Sisters of St. Francis

Beds opens his mind to the wonders of modern life.

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January 2024 A Criminal Waste of Space - Gender Equality and Other Half-Baked Theories

Sometimes Beds struggles to redeem his manhood.

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December 2023 A Criminal Waste of Space - Red Flags

Red flag: some people in government are peddling fiction as fact.

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November 2023 A Criminal Waste of Space - Dancing Neon Penises in Top Hats

It’s okay to giggle at art; just don’t censor it.

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October 2023 A Criminal Waste of Space - A $129,000 Speeding Ticket

Another reason to be glad Beds does not hear traffic cases.

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September 2023 A Criminal Waste of Space - Just a Word

Breast cancer is no laughing matter.

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August 2023 A Criminal Waste of Space - Minds That Matter

Beds shares some inner musings of the best legal mind he knows.

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July 2023 A Criminal Waste of Space - Smuggler’s Blues Part Deux

Not your grandmother’s smugglers.

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June 2023 A Criminal Waste of Space - Devolution in Atarctica

The opposite of evolution.

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May 2023 A Criminal Waste of Space - Finding Authoritative Authorities

Beds explains which cites are persuasive.

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April 2023 A Criminal Waste of Space - Bottomry: The Opposite of Topiary?

Revisiting a quandary that still perplexes a learned mind.

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March 2023 A Criminal Waste of Space - Secretarius

An ode to those who help you seem better and smarter than you really are.

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February 2023 A Criminal Waste of Space - A Criminal Waste of Space: An English Major’s Lament

If only code were written in Elizabethan English.

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January 2023 A Criminal Waste of Space - Stranger Than Fiction . . . Science Fiction

Cow burps and methane across the world.

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December 2022 A Criminal Waste of Space - Welcome to the Hotel California

A fascinating history that includes a significant meeting in Justice Jack Trotter’s kitchen.

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November 2022 A Criminal Waste of Space - Laws and Disorder

Beds reflects on the complicated relationship between state legislature and state courts.

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October 2022 A Criminal Waste of Space - Ice Cream and . . . Beer?

Finally a beer that Beds might like to try.

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September 2022 A Criminal Waste of Space - Oral Argument: Better Than Oral Surgery?

Beds sits still at least one week per year.

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August 2022 A Criminal Waste of Space - The Instant Replay Booth

Perhaps piñatas will be trending soon.

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July 2022 A Criminal Waste of Space - Civil Trials: Beds in Wonderland

Beds notices different world views based on whether one practices civil or criminal law.

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June 2022 A Criminal Waste of Space - Been There, Done That

Stay in the game till you find your groove. It’ll be worth it.

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May 2022 A Criminal Waste of Space - Guten Morgan

Mornings have their challenges in any language.

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April 2022 A Criminal Waste of Space - A Fistful of Mush

Why Beds’ writing does not always accurately convey his thoughts.

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March 2022 A Criminal Waste of Space - The Adventure of the Purloined Lamps

A case that would challenge even Sherlock Holmes.

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February 2022 Criminal Waste of Space – Botox, Camels, and the 2018 Astros

And these camels are not even from Southern California

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January 2022 Criminal Waste of Space – A Fellow of Infinite Jest

Beds pays tribute to an inspiring man.

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December 2021 Criminal Waste of Space – Job-Seeking1

The “great-resignation” has left some interesting new job openings, and Beds is being recruited.

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November 2021 Criminal Waste of Space – Yet Another Modest Proposal

Legislation that would make elections a whole lot more interesting.

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October 2021 Criminal Waste of Space – Still Another Modest Proposal

Don’t ask Beds for directions.

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September 2021 Criminal Waste of Space – Unforgettable

Mrs. Sears left a lasting impression.

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August 2021 Criminal Waste of Space – Naming Rights . . . and Wrongs

Reading the newspaper reveals all different levels of injustices.

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July 2021 Criminal Waste of Space – Unintended Consequences. And Buffalo.

Beds reflects on a new bill that would allow eating roadkill.

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June 2021 Criminal Waste of Space – A Twenty-First Century Allegory

You may relate to burro racing more than you realize.

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May 2021 Criminal Waste of Space – Third Rock From the Sun

What are your favorite attractions in this amusement park we call Earth?

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April 2021 Criminal Waste of Space – Mining With Chickens

You never know who will be on a plane with you.

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March 2021 Criminal Waste of Space – Thank You

Beds reflects on the past forty years.

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February 2021 Criminal Waste of Space – Still Another Modest Proposal

Beds has a great idea for juries.

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January 2021 Criminal Waste of Space – My Job

Beds looks forward to another year on the bench . . .  Just please don’t ask him to rule on administrative law concerning pink bollworms.

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December 2020 Criminal Waste of Space - Cautionary Tales

Work hard and be a nice human.

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November 2020 Criminal Waste of Space - How Many Judges Does it Take to Change a Light Bulb?

Be mindful of ethical rules while working remotely.

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October 2020 Criminal Waste of Space - Treadmill Maintenance and Pronoun Agreement

How reading Vanity Fair on a treadmill informed Beds’ youthful outlook.

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September 2020 Criminal Waste of Space – Voice Wreck-Ignition

You have been four worms for when you Dick Tate massages.

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August 2020 Criminal Waste of Space – Another Journal of the Plague Year

Beds advocates studying mental health during a pandemic.

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July 2020 Criminal Waste of Space – The Thirteenth Juror

This could make you question the observations skills of certain jurors.

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June 2020 Criminal Waste of Space – Nothing to Fear Except Voir Dire

Beds recounts his early fear of trial prep.

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May 2020 Criminal Waste of Space – Another Bad Haircut

Recalling a time when some different circumstances prevented Beds from getting a decent haircut.

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April 2020 Criminal Waste of Space – The Geckos Are Coming, the Geckos Are Coming

Beds theorizes why geckos may be evolutionarily advanced.

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March 2020 Criminal Waste of Space – It Costs How Much?

Beds recalls his early days using computers and wonders at modern pricetags.


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February 2020 Criminal Waste of Space – Artificial Intelligence Meets Natural Ignorance

If you are respectful, you can teach an old judge new legal concepts. Just don’t expect them to understand the motives of the coastal commission.


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January 2020 Criminal Waste of Space – A Spaniard in the Canyon

A demonstration of how seriously the Spanish take pollution. Or, why Kelly admires the Spanish legal system1.

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December 2019 Criminal Waste of Space – Not a Swan Song

Just as well. It’s hard to figure who might be able to fill his shoes, anyway.

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November 2019 Criminal Waste of Space – I Don’t Make These Things Up

An asinine way to shoot the breeze.

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October 2019 Criminal Waste of Space – Euphemism, the Neglected Tool

Beds helps us decode messages about those on the bench, including himself.

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September 2019 Criminal Waste of Space – This Does Them No Credit

Beds saves you the time of reading a credit-card company’s twenty-four-page explanation of benefits. You’re welcome. Read More..

August 2019 Criminal Waste of Space – Talking Hair and Speaking Cakes

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, is it speech?

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July 2019 Criminal Waste of Space – Something Fishy in Federal Court

We could go on and on about how crazy this case is, but it would be like beating a dead fish.

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June 2019 – Michelangelo Describes the Law

How litigating will result in a more chiseled character.

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May 2019 - Steven Louis Perk (1952-2019)

Bed’s tribute to a great man.

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April 2019 – Risk Unique Art Young Effort

Based on current examples, Beds needs no knowledge or training for his next career as a translator.

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March 2019 – Send In the Clowns

A new meaning to the saying, “You’re a good egg.”

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February 2019 – Me and Franklin G. West

Beds is grateful to be included in a long list of lawyers who act with civility and professionalism.

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January 2019 – MCLE Presentation on Scottish Map Law

Very important information if you should need to find the Shetland Islands on a map.

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December 2018 – Symbols of Authority

A judge without a gavel is like a fish without a bicycle.

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November 2018 – Copyright, Thy Name Is Fragmimple

Beds reveals his true feelings about copyright law . . . and you can quote him about that!

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October 2018 – Voting Rights . . . And Wrongs

Don’t expect the OCBA to have a contest to rename this magazine anytime soon.

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September 2018 – Naming Rights . . . And Wrongs

A new tort that could prevent Gwyneth or Beyoncé from going with their first-choice baby names

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August 2018 – An Evolutionary Crockpot

Beds laments the state of human regression.

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July 2018 – Dances With Computers

Modern technology and an appellate justice.

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June 2018 – My Designated Mail Reader

Sixty-five is not that old anymore. Read More..

May 2018 – It Seemed Like Such a Good Idea…

Beds will never view the Uzbekistan open water swim team in the same light.

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April 2018 – Not Brussels Sprouts

Whether bridge is a sport, and other issues worth considering.  Read More..

March 2018 – And You Thought I Was Long-winded

I’ll take the audio-book version, please. Read More..

February 2018 – Legislature Honors Hadrosaur

Beds laments the timing of certain legislative priorities. Read More..

January 2018 – Conclusions I’ve Drawn

Editor’s note: When a prestigious national organization creates a new award and names it after someone, we’d probably do well to listen to his advice. Read More..

December 2017 – Naming Rights

Shakespeare asked what’s in a name. The scientific community offers a response.

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November 2017 – Bedsworth & Curious George, LLP

Monkeys do more than just take selfies these days!

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October 2017 – Baseball for Trappists

The slow pace of baseball allows Beds to pre-familiarize himself with your authorities.

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September 2017 – “Pot of Gold” Redefined

Nevada passes emergency regulations to deal with its drug problem...but not in the way you might assume.

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August 2017 – The Steel Cage Mud Run

Appellate justices' brains are like steel traps...at least one week per month.

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July 2017 – Find a Rabbit and Apologize

You may not get away with murder, but who has time to prosecute the turkey thief?

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June 2017 – My Friend Cayla

When your baby doll is on the lam.

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May 2017 – The Almighty Comma

Commas help you pause, think, and breathe. And Beds can be extra helpful.

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April 2017 – Fight On

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March 2017 - Shakespeare’s Best Advice

Write if you must, but stay friends with your opponents.

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February 2017 - Thinking Outside the Container Ship

Beds' wish list for pension benefits.

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January 2017 - Forewarned Is Forearmed

Assumption of risk at its finest.

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December 2016 - Still Another Modest Proposal

Beds is not asking for much, here.

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November 2016 - Insult to Injury

I would move to create an Oktoberfest exception to the rule.

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October 2016 - The Great Laguna Niguel Landslide Writ

I want Fleetwood Mac to write a song about this.

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September 2016 - We Never Got Our Man

Don't think you can parachute your way out of an expensive government investigation.

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August 2016 - Justice in the Asteroid Belt

When Congress acts like space cadets.

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July 2016 - Naked Lunch

Beds strips down a story to the bare facts. Read More..

June 2016 - Allegorical Asses

BluffsNotes: the ass in this story is the wise one. Read More..

May 2016 - Fibersecurity

Because nothing says America like raisin bran. Read More..

April 2016 - A Most Dangerous Game

Perhaps insurance policies ought to exclude injuries incurred while sitting as an appellate justice, as they do skydiving and drag racing. Read More..

March 2016 - Volume 36, No. 1

Justice Bedsworth enters his 36th year as a humor columnist! Read More..

February 2016 - Cruel and Usual

Beds takes issue with the month of February. Read More..

January 2016 - Alphabetical Disorder

Beds previews an argument that may reappear every twenty years. Read More..

December 2015 - Dealing With Doubt

As Beds ages, he becomes slightly more impatient with the human race. Read More..

November 2015 - Footnotes

Beds explains how footnotes serve an important purpose, including—wait, look, squirrel!! Read More..

October 2015 - Szadolci—No, It’s Not a Pasta Dish

Serendipity! A word I discovered when I was looking up something else. Read More..

September 2015 - Bad Choices

Beds notes a new crime: DZUI (you heard it here first!) Read More..

August 2015 - Strippers at the Funeral

Beds talks about retirement ... or something. Read More..

July 2015 - Another Opportunity You Missed

Beds is proud of his record; after all, he never accidentally legalized drugs for the day. Read More..

June 2015 - Put Down That Fork and Step Away From the Plate

Do your utensils require a password?

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May 2015 - Dalai Drama

"And though the news was rather sad, well I just had to laugh..." (The Beatles) Read More..

April 2015 - Not All PJs Are Pajamas

An identity crisis of the funniest kind. Read More..

March 2015 - In Dog We Trust

Watch where you walk, readers ... there might be the makings of a column. Read More..

February 2015 - Airbags in His Underpants

Spoiler alert: You actually need to read things to know what they say. Read More..

January 2015 - Clientele or Client Hell?

If you need help with your New Year’s resolutions, Beds has one for ya: don’t represent any lawyers. Read More..

December 2014 - Wine Law 101

Beds confronts the mystery of wine. Read More..

November 2014 - Internet (In)Security

Beds is making new international friends via the Internet. (Ed note: Happy birthday month, Justice Bedsworth!) Read More..

October 2014 - Hammerlocks, Full Nelsons, and Contractual Obligations: Difficult to Escape From

Wrestling and roller derby ... you know you love it! Read More..

September 2014 - Word Power, European Style

Beds agrees to monitor European megabrothel law . . . as a public service, of course.    Read More..

August 2014 - Deciding Between Comfort Animals and Comfort Food

Beds grapples with where to seat a pig on a plane. Read More..

July 2014 - The Widow of a Danube Steamboat Company Captain

Don’t even start this one without a dictionary handy. Read More..

June 2014 - Why Does Anybody Bother to Write Fiction?

Beds is trolling through the unpublished cases again. Read More..

May 2014 - Technopeasantry

Beds explores modern witchcraft. Read More..

April 2014 - Airplane! Three: Another Sequel

Beds is having trouble with his shoes again. Read More..

March 2014 - The Bridge

Beds gets serious about how to live. Read More..

February 2014 - Taking a Crack at Electoral Reform

It doesn’t take a brain surgeon to fix our political system. Read More..

January 2014 - The Parable of Stochastic Calculus

Beds revises Shakespeare in keeping with universal truths.

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December 2013 - Interactive Urinal Cakes

Beds discusses the crime-fighting effects of hearing voices while urinating.

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November 2013 - Non-Leapin’ Lizards

If they can’t leap, can they really be lizards, Daddy Warbucks?

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October 2013 - Getting a Get: Easier Than Ungetting the Get You Got

Beds examines Israeli divorce law.

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September 2013 - USDA 43-C-0269

This whole pulling-a-rabbit-out-of-a-hat thing is tougher than it looks.

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August 2013 - Those Shoes

They say you don’t know a justice till you’ve walked a mile in his Skechers.

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July 2013 - Me and the Porn Star

Why should we bother telling you what it’s about? With a title like that, you know you’re going to read it.

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June 2013 - A Tough Room for Comedy

It’s hard to do comedy in a world that satirizes itself.

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May 2013 - Bottomry: The Opposite of Topiary

 Appellate ace assiduously adumbrates admiralty arcana.

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April 2013 - Cabbages, Kings, and Pink Bollworms

So you think you want to be on the Court of Appeal, do you?

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March 2013 - The Curse of the Carbonic Reserves

Justice Bedsworth—and his mother—delve into intellectual property law.

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February 2013 - Crime Does Pay

Austrian justice and Zimbabwean currency—the world is full of mysteries.

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January 2013 - The Parable of the Wolves and Fishes

Beds discusses endangered—and dead—animals.

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December 2012 - Dog Days in New Mexico

Beds sympathizes with a canine who has the responsibility of at least one human.

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November 2012 - God Bless the City Council

Beds chooses to save local officials and throw Congress overboard.

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October 2012 - A Lesson from Walt Kelly and Sun Tzu (CLE from One of the People Grading Your Papers)

Beds validates your grammar teacher.

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September 2012 - Schooled by the NCAA

Beavers, tigers, and rookies, oh my! Prosecutorial discretion in another type of court.

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August 2012 - Cultural Literacy for Judges

Bring this knowledge to the next OCBA function to amaze your colleagues!

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July 2012 - Hobgoblins of a Judicial Kind

What do Ben Dover and Dewey, Cheatem & Howe have to do with Beds’ column?

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June 2012 - A Trademark for Rev. Spooner

Down under, they enjoy a special brand of bar snacks with their VB.

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May 2012 - “Dispatches From Lesotho”: The Good Justice Examines Urban—Well, Kind Of Urban—Crime

Beds exposes the naked truth about Laguna Beach.

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April 2012 - Words with Friends (Pakistani Version)

Words with Friends (Pakistani Version)

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March 2012 - An Unprimed Pump

Poor Beds is weighed down by the knowledge of what 240 million Medicare dollars can buy.

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February 2012 - Weaponized Snow Cones

Beds and Jon Stewart reach similar conclusions about snow cones.

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January 2012 - Fernando Strunk’s Fearless Gypsy Predictions for 2012

Beds has found a guest columnist. Read More..

December 2011 - Jarndyce Heirs Finally Inherit

Beds has come upon a case that would make Dickens proud.

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November 2011 - Dear Friends and Gentle Hearts

Beds has written a “Pay it Forward” for the legal profession.

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October 2011 - David George Sills (March 21, 1938–August 23, 2011)

Tribute to a great person and judge . . .

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September 2011 - Eat, Drink, and Hire Lawyers

Beds finds the latest addition to the professional sports scene a little hard to swallow.

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August 2011 - Jabberwocky, Part Deux

“The closer I get to retirement, the more I worry about the economy.”

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July 2011 - Zero Plus Zero Equals Trouble

Remedial math: 0+0 = #@!!?%

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June 2011 - A New Kind of Custody Battle

Are the Chinese ahead of us or behind us on this one?

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May 2011 - Dog Bites Man Bites Broadcasting Career

Still more stuff that mystifies Beds.

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April 2011 - Give Me Your Tired, Your Poor, Your Typos . . .

Beds offers a little CLE on the importance of proofreading.

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March 2011 - Bunting for Boilerplate

Like everything else in the world of sports, contract negotiation is divorced from reality.

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February 2011 - Getting Up

This one’s not about laughter.

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January 2011 - Electoral Processpool

Twelve more years of Beds—and you thought Groundhog Day was a raw deal!

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December 2010 - “Take Me Out To The Pre-Trial”

Beds talks about his favorite game . . . and baseball.

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November 2010 - Accursed Congress

Beds’ take on Congress makes Will Rogers sound like their best friend.

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October 2010 - Dopes and Robbers

It’s time for more stupid human tricks.

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September 2010 - The Same Only Different

Extramarital psychiatric “care . . . .”

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August 2010 - War Of The Words

Use of language these days is an abominanity. . . .

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July 2010 - The Power and the Glory

Beds ruminates on the power behind the throne. . . .

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June 2010 - Send in the Clowns

“Starring Kelly McCourt in the role of Beds’ Wife.”

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May 2010 - Carpentry Without Tools

Appellate advocacy through the eyes of a casketmaker’s son . . .

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April 2010 - Cats, Frogs, and Naked Women

That title oughta be enough to get you to read Beds' column this month.

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Law Enforcement for the Soul... Center

Greetings from the Soul Center of the Universe. I’ve made my annual pilgrimage to the Soul Center of the Universe to offer homage to James Brown, Ray Charles, Aretha Franklin, et al.

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My Retirement

Well, it’s official. The retirement papers are filed, I’ve said goodbye to my colleagues, and turned in my ID card. I may come back on assignment sometime, but basically I’m retired.

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“Beds is tilting at the windmills of fatuity again”

My birthday falls the week before Thanksgiving every year. For most of my life that meant a lot of giving thanks in a very short time. But I’m reaching the age now at which the two events pretty much cancel each other out.

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Take Me Out To Divorce Court

“Beds is having a hard time letting go of the baseball season this year.”

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Cash and Marry

“Some little-known judicial history from the man who made it.”

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“Beds is considering a career in virtual reality.”

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