by Richard W. Millar, Jr.

As someone who grew up in the golden age of radio, and who still calls the hotel operator for “wake up” calls because I cannot figure out how to work the myriad brands of clock radios that populate a traveler’s bedside, I struggle to keep up with technology. Oh yes, I have a computer at the office and at home, as well as an iPhone and an iPad on which I have downloaded a fairly large number of apps which, with the exception of time-billing software, have one thing in common: they are free. I am too reluctant to spend money on something I don’t understand, but that reluctance does not carry over to apps that are free. I don’t even recognize some of the icons, if that’s what you call those “things” you push, much less use them. But they are there, just in case. (In case of what, I am not clear, but I digress.)

None of my apps are for gaming unless you count “Hangman,” which I find an absorbing alternative when I am dragged to a shopping mall. Particularly, to the shoe department, to which the purse department is a close second.

Unlike many afficionados, I make no effort to be on the alert for new apps. My phone is probably a storage attic for too many unused apps as it is. However (and in law there is always a “however”), I just can’t resist spreading the news about one new app on the scene. It is about sex. (A friend of mine once quipped: “if you are not thinking about sex, your mind is wandering,” but again I digress.)

This app is designed for college students to avoid date rape controversies by providing what it describes as education “for sexual consent.” It is called “Good2Go” which to my mind would mean good news from my urologist, but which apparently means “yes” to college students. “When girl meets boy and sparks fly, and you need an answer to the question: Are we good 2 go?” you run to your phone and hit the app—a process that, all by itself, may serve to cool ardor. If the respondent (I don’t know what else to call the person faced with answering the question: the Appee?) says “no” then I guess the phone goes back into pocket or purse. If the answer is “yes,” the app stores that “yes” forever or at least until barred by the rule against perpetuities and presumably subject to later subpoena.

If things do not progress as warmly as anticipated, the respondent can revoke her (I have a hard time envisioning too many guys hitting the revoke button) “yes” and change it to a “no” which I assume is also preserved forever. Of course, finding the phone amidst pre-coital embrace may present somewhat of a challenge and one may also have to install the “find my phone quickly” app. I am not sure whether there is some type of timer to deal with those who have difficulty making decisions or who change their minds frequently, but I could see that being the subject of one or two updates.

“Ah,” you say, “but what about consent procured or fueled by, say, alcohol?” After all, we are dealing with college students. Well, the gnomes who invent apps like these are way, way ahead of you. If there is a confirmed “good2go” the consenting person has to rate his or her level of intoxication on a scale of, apparently, sober to “pretty wasted.” If the latter is selected, the ability to digitally consent is disabled leaving at least one of the about to couple, couple to say, “We can’t, my phone won’t let me.” All of you who think that is going to happen, please raise your hand.

As someone who went to college before coed dorms and the sexual revolution, I find all of this a little bewildering with, admittedly, a touch of envy. It is unfair that students should have all the fun and all the apps. It is time for us older folks to strike back!

To that end, I am designing a sex app for seniors that I am calling “Good2Go4Geezers.” I will do away with all the questions about intoxication because, at our age, it is self-correcting, if you get my drift.

I am also going to narrow the possible responses to two: (1) “Not tonight, I have a headache”; and (2) “Yes, but we will have to wait for halftime!”

Richard W. Millar, Jr. is a member of the firm of Millar, Hodges & Bemis in Newport Beach. He can be reached at millar@mhblaw.net.